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We all have our “hot buttons” – highly-charged topics or issues from politics to our pet peeves that really get us going. Chances are, we will inevitably encounter people who trigger our hot buttons at some point (whether intentionally or accidentally), or vice versa.
How do we handle such situations without tripping up and lashing out?
How do we avoid getting emotional and escalating the conversation, potentially saying something we might later regret?
How can we communicate constructively in spite of differences?
Here are 10 tips to help us handle hot buttons and avoid tripping up on trigger issues:
1. Be aware of common triggers
Issues relating to our social identities – pillars and principles that anchor and shape our perspectives on our own lives and the world – can be the most “triggering”. The top two identities most people prefer not to discuss are politics and religion. In general, people also tend to assign more importance and attention to aspects of identity that are deemed less privileged. And the more importance people place on things, the more likely these are to be a hot button for them.
2. Be aware of our own triggers
One of the challenges with triggers is that we can get emotionally “hooked” and lose our ability to consider the most effective way to respond. We react rather than respond, which tends to make matters worse. Being aware of our triggers, and able to recognize when we are starting to get triggered, helps us to stop ourselves from reacting emotionally and start thinking about responding rationally instead.
3. Slow Down to Stop
So if we find ourselves starting to get triggered, what should we do? Slowing down in a good first step. Take a breath and pause. Instead of allowing our internal monologue to start running wild, try to focus on listening to exactly what the other person is saying and getting the full picture before responding.
4. Try to Understand
Before rushing to judge someone from what they have just said, try first to understand where they are coming from and why they may hold such a different opinion. Often, breakdowns in communication can be a source of unintentional triggering in conversations, especially when communicating across different social identities. Ask questions to find out more, but keep your questions neutral and open and steer clear of loaded questions.
5. Find Common Ground
Before focusing on points of difference, try to find points of commonality. This is always a great way of building rapport and from there – trust. Both are essential when trying to have constructive conversations in spite of differing viewpoints.
6. See and Be Seen
Always remember – we all hope that others can truly see us and our experience in the world. Before you react to something someone else has said, remember that sometimes we all just want to be heard, and we can always agree to disagree.
7. Prioritize Relationships
Having a good prior relationship with people before we start talking about highly-charged or controversial topics can help to mitigate getting triggered. If you know the person from before, have a good rapport, mutual respect and trust, you are less likely to get triggered if a hot-button topic comes up and you have different opinions. Even if you do not know a person very well (e.g. a new colleague), remind yourself that relationships are important – try not to let a potential difference in perspective ruin all your future interactions and relations with the person.
8. Back to Basics
Classic conversational skills – empathy, truly listening, asking questions with the genuine objective of understanding – can always be counted on in most situations, even when a hot button is involved.
9. Be Open to Open Mindedness
To (very liberally) paraphrase Socrates – wisest is he who knows he does not know. Approach conversations, particularly when differing perspectives are involved, with an open mind, and a willingness to be open to other perspectives. Such an attitude can also promote reciprocity i.e. support the same open attitude from those we are conversing with.
10. Contextualize before you Conclude
Identity is complex, and cannot be fully known, judged or defined by any one thing alone. Before we jump to conclusions, try to see people in context – how their background, experiences, upbringing etc. informs who they are currently, and how they perceive things. Recognize that we too are shaped by our context, and different contexts are not necessarily any less valid or valuable.
It’s never easy to put a handle on our hot buttons and tame our triggers. Consider working with a trusted colleague or friend to practice the skills you want to develop further, or even plan another conversation with someone who has previously triggered your hot buttons.
Skills, like muscles, take time and practice to develop, but are well worth the effort!